Tuesday, March 10, 2009


I love to run, most of the time. When my feet don't hurt, where my head can't hurt and where my heart doesn't even enter the equation. It's a blissful feeling where helplessness doesn't quite register and there is nothing closing in or on over you.

It's a feeling I can never quite get enough of.

It's also the easy option when bowling-ball types of things come hurtling down my section of life. I don't have the energy to jump over them, I don't have the will to avoid them, I just want to run so far away, that they will never, ever find me. And if they just crash on through the lane, knocking down all the pins, that seems to be fine with me, because I know I just have to stop and pick them up again, whenever I stop running.

Lately, the only thing inside my head has been the need to run somewhere. To get away from everything (even technology! With this spring break, I made a specific attempt to cut down on internet use and try to sort through the little memory fragments I so dearly love to hoarde) and sometimes, everyone.

Memory fragments are kind of twisted together with the impossible bits and pieces of our impossible dreams. They kind of pounce on each other and then stick so tightly together, that you know there is no hope of ever separating them, because doing so, will take a whole lot more than you've got to give at that point. I have a bunch of those fragments floating about in my head and in general, giving me a headache. Things I don't want to think about, things I don't want to do, things I know I will have to do...someday.

Personally, I'd rather run. Run as far and fast as I can, to get away from it all. To run to the hill in my mind, where the earth meets the sky and there is nothing there. Just a peaceful emptiness, warmth and love of a heavenly kind. It's a place where there's no distractions and no prying eyes or oversized ears, somewhere where I don't have to speak, because a story is being told with every beat of my heart. Where every tear I cry carries meaning. A hill where this is all so special, because it's just me and my heavenly Daddy. No one else. Nothing else. Just somewhere where I can feel Him, without a doubt.

It's a lovely day outside...I guess I'm running...


Joanne Sher said...

Praying for you, my dear, sweet Sawa. Praying you have time for that amazing place you SO need - and that we all so need! Loving ya! JJ

Lita said...

Hope all is well with you. I've been missing your posts!

I tend to run, too (more figuratively than literally). More from people than problems. :-/